Chapter 1
Chapter 1: The Weight of Pills
Lavina grapples with a profound sense of hopelessness, amplified by the seemingly ineffective medications prescribed for her depression. Her younger sister, Natalie, offers a snarky, unhelpful critique. Their mother, Camilla, a woman preoccupied with her own social life, leaves for a date, entrusting Lavina with household duties and her sister's care. Disillusioned, Lavina dedicates herself to researching her medications, uncovering unsettling information and ultimately deciding to forgo them. She prepares a comforting meal for Natalie, her thoughts drifting to her deceased father and her mother's manipulative nature. The decision to stop her Seroquel, a pill she believes numbs her and prevents her from dreaming, marks a subtle act of defiance and a desperate hope for emotional connection.
It doesn't make any sense. Lavina's thoughts raced, a frantic, tangled mess of questions with no answers. How was she on all these medications, for this, for that, and still felt so utterly without hope? Lost. Sad. This medicine was bullshit. Why were they really putting her on all these pills? She was being treated for severe depression, yet she was on four different prescriptions, and she was still depressed.
Her sister, Natalie, stepped into the doorway. Standing at a mere five foot two, weighing only a fraction of Lavina, she possessed a mouth that wouldn't quit. "Maybe, just maybe," she said, sarcasm dripping from every syllable, "maybe you're on all those meds because you stand in your room talking to yourself."
"Get out, Natalie! Gosh, I can't stand you sometimes, always butting in. And I'm not delusional; I just think out loud. It helps me process my thoughts better."
Natalie laughed, a sharp, unpleasant sound. "Okay, take another pill, bitch. Like a chill pill, and calm the fuck down. Get out of my room!" Lavina shouted. Natalie, with a smirk, grabbed the door and slammed it shut before Lavina could protest further.
A sigh of relief escaped Lavina as she looked at today's recipe of pills. Two pills now, one pill at lunch, then another at bedtime. She needed to research this medication. She sat on her bed, wiping a tear of frustration from her face. She'd be eighteen soon. She'd have to leave here, and she had no hope, no plans. At least let her control what she could right now and do a deep dive on these meds.
Her mother knocked, ever so gently, on the door. "Lavina?"
"It's open," Lavina mumbled. Standing there was her mother, five foot five, skinny, with an edgy blonde style that everyone admired. Everyone except Lavina, who knew a different side of her mother that no one else paid much attention to.
"Yes, Mom?"
"Hey, hun. Cook for Natalie today. I won't be home; I have a hot date."
"It's 7 AM, Mom. You're leaving now?"
"Yes, Lavina. As long as you live here, you'll do what I say. I'm leaving. I won't be back until tomorrow. Clean this fucking house. Take care of your sister. That's your fucking rent, no job having crazy bitch."
"Okay, Mom. I'll feed her."
Natalie was standing behind her mother, hands on her hips, mimicking her mother's stance. They were like twins, unlike Lavina, who was bigger and brown.
Lavina lay back on the bed after her mother left and started to read articles on the medication she was being forced to take. A lot of the words in the articles were out of her vocabulary and comprehension, so she found herself Googling the words and writing them down on paper. She really wanted to know why they were prescribed and what the doctors weren't telling her.
SSRI drugs, anti-social drugs – similarities and differences. But none of them were for antipsychotics, so "I'm not crazy," she mumbled. But why, after all these months, was she still depressed?
At the end of her research, right at dinnertime, she decided she wasn't taking the meds. She'd just have to force herself out of the depression a different way. Lavina went and cooked for Natalie. Natalie's favorite: mac and cheese, extra cheese, and hot sauce on top.
While watching her tiny, thin sister devour a pot of mac and cheese, Lavina's thoughts drifted from "Why can't I eat a pot of mac and cheese and not gain weight?" to "Are we related, really?" to "This is the crazy bitch in the house, why isn't she on meds?" After dinner, Lavina cleaned the house and the kitchen and went back into her room to cuddle up in her bed and cry, which was her favorite pastime since her father died three years earlier. Lavina didn't get to see him much, but he was the one person that broke Camilla's spell and got away.
Camilla and Paul were in love. She was cheating on her husband with him and kept promising that if Lavina was his, she'd run away with him. Even though Lavina turned out to be his, she never left her husband and eventually had a child with him. Chris wasn't a bad guy; he just let Camilla run all over him and treat Lavina like a slave. Both men dead. Camilla off on a date, and Lavina home watching Natalie. It was a pretty typical day for Lavina. Usually, right now, I'd be taking this pill, this Seroquel, but I'm not going to take it. Besides, I can't remember my dreams when I'm on it. It's supposed to help me not feel suicidal. Hell, I can't feel anything on this medication. So, just in case Camilla counts them, Lavina flushed it and climbed up into the bed with the hope of never needing that medication again. Lavina tossed and turned and started to sweat, but eventually, she fell asleep.