Chapter 4
The Life of Getting a Next Child
In the early weeks of pregnancy, the narrator notices the partner becoming withdrawn. After gentle prompting, the partner reveals a secret: his own father abandoned the family when he was young, leaving him terrified that he will repeat the pattern and fail as a father. The narrator comforts him, and they share a moment of vulnerability and renewed commitment.
The first glow of the pregnancy test faded into a quiet routine of doctor’s appointments and vitamin regimens. I kept the little elephant on the dresser, its red bow a constant reminder of the life growing inside. But as the days passed, a shadow crept into our apartment, one that had nothing to do with the winter clouds pressing against the windows. My partner, usually so quick with a joke or a reassuring touch, grew quiet. He would stare out the window during meals, his fork hovering mid-air, the food growing cold. At night, he held me, but his grip felt looser, as if he were afraid of breaking something fragile.
I noticed. How could I not? He had always worn his heart on his sleeve, but now that sleeve was buttoned tight, hiding something I couldn’t name. One evening, after a dinner of takeout that sat mostly uneaten, I set down my fork and reached across the table. “Talk to me,” I said softly. “Please.”
He looked up, his eyes carrying a weight I had never seen before. He opened his mouth, then closed it. His hands, resting on the table, began to tremble slightly. “I have to tell you something,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “Something I should have said before we started trying. Before any of this.”
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