Chapter 6
Tug'ilish va sukut
O‘sha kun kelishini hamma aytgan, lekin hech kim uning qanday bo‘lishini tushuntira olmagan. Men esa ichimda ham qo‘rquv, ham hayrat bilan shu lahzani kutardim. Tun og‘ir edi. Hamma narsa tezlashgandek, vaqt esa bir paytning o‘zida ham yugurayotgandek, ham to‘xtab qolgandek edi. Men og‘riq ichida edim. Lekin bu og‘riq oddiy emas edi — u hayotga olib kiruvchi og‘riq edi. Yonimdagilar harakatda edi. Men esa faqat ichimdagi bir narsaga yopishib olgandim. Nafas. Va sen. — Men shu yerdaman… — deding juda past ovozda. Ko‘zlarim yoshga to‘ldi. — Ketma… — Men ketmayman, — deding. Og‘riq kuchaygan sari sen yanada aniqroq bo‘lib borarding. Go‘yo sen meni ushlab turgandek eding. — Nafas ol, — derding. — Yana biroz. Men chiday olmayotgandek edim. Lekin sen bor eding. Shu yetardi. Va keyin… Hamma narsa jim bo‘lib qoldi. Bir lahzaga. Faqat bir lahza. Keyin chaqaloqning yig‘isi eshitildi. Dunyo o‘zgardi. Men ona bo‘ldim. Ko‘zlarimdan yosh oqdi. Charchoq, og‘riq, qo‘rquv — hammasi birdan erib ketgandek bo‘ldi. Bolamni qo‘limga berishdi. Men unga qaradim. Va ichimda bir narsani sezdim… Sukut. Sen yo‘q eding. Men hayron bo‘ldim. Atrofga qaradim. — Nurligim? — dedim past ovozda. Javob yo‘q. Men yana chaqirdim. — Sen qayerdasan?.. Jimlik. Birinchi marta sen kelmading. Ko‘nglimda g‘alati bo‘shliq paydo bo‘ldi. Lekin shu bo‘shliq og‘riqli emas edi. Boshqacha edi. Tinch edi. Bolamni bag‘rimga bosdim. Va birdan ichimda bir fikr paydo bo‘ldi: “Balki sen ketmagandirsan… balki vazifang tugagandir.” Ko‘zlarimni yumdim. Va esladim. Bolaligimni. Tut daraxtini. Yomg‘irni. Seni. Sen hech qachon haqiqiy odam bo‘lmagansan. Sen mening qo‘rquvlarim, yolg‘izliklarim, quvonchim va ishonchimdan tug‘ilganding. Sen men bilan birga ulg‘ayganding. Va endi… Men ham seni “katta qilib qo‘ygandim”. Sen meni bolalikda asraganding. Yoshlikda yo‘qotmaganding. Yolg‘izlikda yonimda bo‘lganding. Onalikda meni ushlab turganding. Va endi… Men seni o‘zimning ichimda to‘liq his qildim. Men bolamga qaradim. Va ilk bor chin dildan tabassum qildim. Chunki men tushundim: Sen hech qachon yo‘q bo‘lmagansan. Sen men eding. Va men — sen edim. Endi esa… men o‘zim bo‘lishni o‘rganyapman.
The day everyone talked about had finally arrived, yet no one could quite explain what it would feel like. I, too, awaited this moment with a heart full of both dread and wonder. The night was heavy, thick with an oppressive stillness that made everything seem to accelerate and freeze all at once. Time, a capricious entity, was both a sprinter and a statue. I was engulfed by pain, but this was no ordinary hurt; it was the profound, wrenching agony that precedes creation, the very agony that ushers life into the world.
Around me, there was movement, a flurry of hushed urgency that barely registered. My focus, however, was entirely consumed by one thing, a single anchor within the storm raging inside me: my breath. And you.
"I'm here," you whispered, your voice so faint it was barely a breath against the roaring chaos. Tears welled in my eyes, blurring the edges of the room, of everything.
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