Chapter 5
Onalik soyasidagi nur
Turmush hayoti avvaliga menga g‘alati tuyuldi. Hammasi bor edi: uy, mas’uliyat, yonimdagi inson, yangi hayot tartibi. Lekin baribir ichimda o‘rganmagan sokinlik yashardi. Go‘yo men yangi dunyoga kirgan, lekin eski o‘zimni ham olib kelgan edim. Avvaliga hamma narsa oddiy ketdi. Kunlar bir-biriga ulanib, odatiy hayot oqimiga tushib bordi. Ertalab turish, ishlar, uy yumushlari, kechqurun charchoq… Lekin keyin men o‘zgara boshladim. Ichimda g‘alati hislar paydo bo‘ldi. Ba’zan hech sababsiz yig‘lagim kelardi. Ba’zan esa birdan ichimda sokin quvonch paydo bo‘lardi. Men buni tushunmasdim. Keyin hayot menga eng katta yangilikni berdi. Homiladorlik. Bu so‘z birinchi eshitilganda, ichimda ham qo‘rquv, ham hayrat uyg‘ondi. Men o‘zimni hali ham to‘liq tayyor emasdek his qilardim. Go‘yo ichimda hali ulg‘aymagan qizaloq ham yashardi. Shifokor: — Siz ona bo‘lasiz, — deganida, men bir lahza jim qoldim. Bu oddiy gap emas edi. Bu butun hayotimning o‘zgarishi edi. Uyga qaytganimda uzoq o‘yladim. Ko‘zguga qaradim. O‘sha qiz yana qarshimda turardi. Lekin bu safar uning ko‘zlari boshqacha edi. Unda qo‘rquv bilan birga… hayrat ham bor edi. Men qo‘limni qornimga qo‘ydim. Va o‘sha lahzada seni his qildim. Avvalgidek emas. Yanada sokinroq. Yanada yaqinroq. — Sen shu yerdasanmi? — dedim past ovozda. Javob darhol keldi. — Men hech qachon ketmaganman. Ko‘zlarim yoshlanib ketdi. — Men qo‘rqyapman… Sen sekin paydo bo‘lding. Bu safar sen bolalikdagi qizaloq emas eding. Sen yorug‘likka o‘xsharding. — Nega qo‘rqyapsan? — deding muloyim ovozda. — Men yaxshi ona bo‘la olamanmi? Sen jilmayding. — Sen allaqachon onasan. Faqat endi buni his qilishing kerak. O‘sha payt ichimdagi qo‘rquv biroz kamaydi. Lekin hayot sinovlarni davom ettirardi. Homiladorlik oson kechmadi. Ba’zan charchoq meni yengib qo‘yardi. Ba’zan ichimda tushunarsiz og‘irlik bo‘lardi. Shunda sen yana paydo bo‘larding. Ertalab, kechasi, hatto yig‘lab o‘tirgan paytlarimda ham. — Nafas ol, — derding. — Hammasi yaxshi bo‘ladi. Men esa seni eshitib tinchlanardim. Go‘yo butun dunyo jim bo‘lib qolardi. Bir kuni kechasi uyg‘onib ketdim. Hamma joy jim. Yonimda erim uxlayotgan edi. Men esa uxlay olmay o‘tirardim. Qorong‘ulik og‘ir edi. Shunda sen juda yaqin paydo bo‘lding. — Nega uyg‘oqsan? — deding. — Qo‘rqyapman. — Nima uchun? Men jim qoldim. Keyin sekin dedim: — Men hamma narsani yo‘qotib qo‘yishdan qo‘rqyapman. Sen menga qarading. — Hech narsa yo‘qolmaydi. Faqat shaklini o‘zgartiradi. Men tushunmadim. Sen davom etding: — Men bolaligida sen bilan o‘ynagan edim. Keyin sen meni unutding. Keyin meni sevish va qo‘rqish orasida yana topding. Endi esa men sening ichingda yashayapman. Ko‘zlarim to‘ldi. — Sen… kimsan aslida? Sen jilmayding. — Men sening unutmagan qismingman. O‘sha kecha men birinchi marta seni qo‘rqinch emas, taskin sifatida qabul qildim. Vaqt o‘tdi. Qornim kattalashdi. Ichimda yangi hayot o‘sardi. Har harakat, har tebranish meni hayratga solar edi. Men esa har safar qo‘limni qornimga qo‘yganimda seni his qilardim. Go‘yo sen ham bu kichik yurakni kuzatib turgandek. Va men asta-sekin tushuna boshladim… Sen hech qachon mening tashqarimda bo‘lmagansan. Sen doim ichimda yashagansan.
Married life initially felt like a strange, new costume I’d somehow put on. Everything was present: a home, responsibilities, another person breathing beside me in the quiet dark, a rhythm to the days that was entirely unfamiliar. Yet, beneath it all, a peculiar stillness resided within me, a silence I hadn’t quite learned to inhabit. It was as if I had stepped into an entirely different world, but somehow, I had carried the old me along for the journey.
At first, everything flowed with an almost monotonous ease. The days bled into one another, settling into the predictable current of routine. Wake up, attend to duties, manage household chores, collapse into bed with exhaustion. It was a simple, unadorned existence, devoid of the dramatic peaks and valleys that had once defined my inner landscape.
But then, a subtle shift began to occur. It wasn't a sudden earthquake, but a slow, almost imperceptible tremor deep within. Strange feelings started to bubble to the surface, emotions I couldn't quite name or control. Sometimes, for no discernible reason, a wave of inexplicable sadness would wash over me, leaving me with an urge to weep. Other times, a quiet, radiant joy would bloom unexpectedly in my chest, a silent effervescence that defied logic. I didn’t understand it, this internal tide of feeling, and it left me feeling adrift.
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